Ch 2.1 Atoms: They Make Up Everything (I Went There)

I get it, you came here for biology and now I’m all “SURPRISE! Chemicals mother fuckers!” but at the heart of it all, biology is chemistry. We don’t have giant explosions but life is an endless series of chemical reactions that just so happen to make something alive. Its bonkers to think about because every single thing in the universe is made of the exact same three things: protons, neutrons, and electrons. No shit. Whatever you’re sitting on is nothing but protons, neutrons, and electrons. Same with your clothes (I’m assuming you’re wearing clothes because if you’re not, you’re seriously messed up. Put some clothes on you weirdo). Same with the air you’re breathing and same with you. The only difference between your underwear and you is how those three tiny ass little things are arranged around each other. Put them together one way and you have your tighty whities, rearrange them, add some more of one and a couple of another, combine them with their friends and you get the ass that is covered by those Fruit of the Looms.

Together, protons, (usually) neutrons, and electrons make up the basic unit of matter, the atom. At the center of the atom is the nucleus (this word will show up again later, but in a different sense) and this is where you find the protons and neutrons. Together, these two components give the atom pretty much all of its properties with an important exception we’ll get to in a short bit. If you ask a chemist, they’d say that protons and neutrons are a difference size but for biology, they’re close enough. Equal in size, equal in mass, pretty much equal in every aspect but charge. That’s because protons are positive and neutrons are, hopefully you guessed this, neutral. So protons give the nucleus a charge while the neutrons add to its size. Think of an M&M; at the center of the candy is whatever we use to define the type. If its a peanut at the center its a peanut M&M, if it has a pretzel core then it is a pretzel M&M. I like to use to peanut M&Ms as an example because not only are they the best M&M type, the PeaNut reminds me of Proton and Neutron. Protons determine the peanut, neutrons determine how big of a nut it has (there is a joke to be made here about big nuts...I’ll let you have that one).

All that being said, there’s always two other ingredients to an M&M that we haven’t discussed -- the chocolate and the candy shell. This is a biology book so we won’t get into crazy detail about electron orbital shapes and all that crap but I will discuss the importance of the cloud and valence electrons. If you already know what those two things are either you’re a chemist trying to brush up on biology or you have absolutely no reason to be reading this book. Either way, good for you I guess. Surrounding the peanut is a relatively thick ring of chocolate, and this is analogous to where our third atomic particle, the electron, is found. In the atom, this thickened area where you can find the electrons are known as the electron cloud because the electrons are somewhere within that area. We won’t get into why the word somewhere is emphasized in that last sentence in this book but hey, that’s what “High School Chemistry for Bastards” is for, right? Anyway with the candy, the chocolate and the nut are close to the same size but in reality, the area where electrons are found make up the vast majority of the atom and since the universe is made of atoms, most of the universe is empty space. Mind=Blown.

Last anatomy-of-an-atom (or should I say...an-ATOM-y...dad jokes for days this chapter) topic is what the hell the candy shell is for. Yes, the shell is candy. No, its not chocolate. Yes, I’m sure. Imagine lightly closing your hand around a bunch of M&Ms and waiting a minute or two before opening your hand and dumping them out. What do you expect to see on your hand? The reason your hand looks all rainbow is because the outer candy layer protected the chocolate within. Back to the atom analogy, the candy shell is the same as valence electrons, which is just a fancy science way of saying “the electrons on the outside.” The valence electrons are going to be big shit later, just sit tight...