USA = Un-Sucky Amniotes!

Happy Birthday United States!

(Ignore how terrible the country is being ran right now...its a rough patch. Think those awkward tween years when you're in middle school and think you know everything but you're actually a shithead no one likes to be around. That's us right now)

In honor of the United States of America's birthday, I present to you the alternative USA = Un-Sucky Amniotes!

What the fuck is an amniote you might ask? Short version: A mammal, a bird, or a reptile. Long science version: its any organism that develops within an amnion, which is an enclosed, fluid-filled sac. This is best experienced by humans when a pregnant woman's water breaks. That "water" is the amniotic fluid of the developing child. When I first developed my list, I didn't seek out to do a cute acronym or only include amniotes, it just worked out that way (mainly because I'm THAT awesome). These animals are native to the USA and make them USA's USAs. So let's get to it. The top four (in honor of the Fourth of July) Un-Sucky Amniotes in the United States of America.

Honorable mention: The Turkey (Meleagris gallopavo) 

Doesn't get a full write up but Benjamin Franklin loved them, they're delicious, they CAN fly, and sometimes they make babies with themselves. So that's cool.

Number 4: American Bison (Bison bison)

These badasses used to be EVERYWHERE but stupid white Europeans came over and almost hunted them to extinction. But being the badasses they are, they recovered and aren't even listed as endangered. Growing up to six feet (1.8 meters) tall and weighing up to a ton (900 kg), they're essentially a truck that can run you over if they wanted to. But they're chill. But could easily fuck you up if they wanted. They're like if Dwayne Johnson was an animal.

Also...they're delicious too.

Number 3: Gila Monster (Heloderma suspectum)

First off, that species name. *Chef's Kiss*
Second, they're venomous and that makes them awesome.
Third, how many animals have their own movies?
Fourth, they live in the desert so immediately, that makes them hard.

Number 2: Bald Eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus)

Now I know what you're thinking, "How the hell could the bald eagle, America's symbol and an animal capable of ripping you apart in a few different ways be number two???" Good question. Bald eagles are intense. Six foot (roughly 1.8 meters) wing span, giant nests, killer of lots of stuff, they're hardcore. But at one point, America threatened them and they almost went extinct (I'm sure I'll talk pesticides and DDT at some point). So that was a point off in my book and the reason they're number two.


NOW, here it is, the most Un-Sucky Amniote in the United States of America:

Number 1: Virginia Opossum (Didelphis virginiana)

Anyone who knows me should have known this was coming. See this blog post for lots of info but the opossum is how America should be. Ridding the world of disease, surviving injuries that will kill most other things, immune to attacks, chill as fuck. That's the USA I want to live in.