Change of plans

Hey everyone,

Originally I've been trying to do three blog posts a week: a book post on Monday, an unrelated post on Wednesday, and another book post on Friday. While some weeks that has worked, its a lot for me to take on as a single person and considering I want to start making this a podcast and school starts back up in a month (!) I'm going to have to knock it down to two posts a week, one book and one unrelated. I'm sure you're fine with that and if you aren't, sorry.

On the podcast front, I'm slowly getting that together. Apparently right now its only available on Spotify but I'm working on getting it available everywhere. Once it is, I'll start pushing out episodes.

Until then,

Bastard On.

Biology for Bastards...The Podcast?

DAMN STRAIGHT! We're gonna be a podcast! Episodes coming soon but we'll be available on all the major podcast platforms. Keep an eye out for Biology for Bastards: The Podcast, coming soon!

https://anchor.fm/bioforbastards

Its (Not Quite) Hot as Balls Out

Before we get talking about heat, humidity, and for a very brief time, testicles, one or two housekeeping things.

Thank you to everyone who has looked at this at one point or another. I have over 700 page views, including people from countries all around the world. The top five most bastardly countries are the US (makes sense since that's where I'm from), Germany, Japan, Canada, and Ireland. Once I hit 1,000 page views, I'll do a blog post over something from the top countries for every 100 views I get until I hit 2,000. 

Secondly, if you're a regular reader of this, you're even more awesome and you may want to think of subscribing to the blog. That helps me out and let's me know people like what I'm doing and its not just random people each time. Once I get some followers, I'll put up a contact form for post suggestions.

But enough of that shit, let's talk balls.

Today is going to be a hot one here. High of 91*F or almost 33*C for my Non-Americans. That's hot but not quite hot as balls. By balls I mean testicles. Human testicles. 91*F/33*C degrees is not hot as balls. Mainly because balls like to be 95*F/35*C degrees. This is why in humans, the testicles are located in the scrotum which can pull the balls closer to the body if it's cold or lower the balls if its hot. Being internal is not an option because, as most of us know, body temperature is 98.6*F/37*C. Too hot for balls. It would cook the sperm. And I don't know about you, but cooked sperm does not sound like a good thing to me. 

But what is hot? We all know when something is hot or something is cold, but do we really know what heat is? Maybe, if you're smart. Probably not otherwise. Heat is this measure of how much thermal energy an atom or molecule has; the more energy, the more heat. But heat doesn't mean temperature because temperature is actually an average of all the heat of all the atoms present in the substance. Have you ever thought about how when you see a puddle of water, the water can evaporate even if its temperature is below boiling? That's because random molecules in the water can have enough heat to become a gas without the entire substance being at a high temperature. Crazy, right? 

So heat is just how much energy it has and temperature is the average of all the heats. Want to hear something even crazier? 

Cold doesn't exist. Cold is literally just a lack of heat. So when you put ice in a drink, the drink doesn't become colder, the ice gets hotter and steals away the energy from your drink, making the temperature of the drink drop. I know, some people are like "whaaaaaaaaat?" and I have to admit, its one of the coolest parts of non-biology for me. But this is exactly why you can't cool your house down by leaving the refrigerator open. In order to work, the fridge pulls heat out of the fridge and blows it away, which is why there's always hot air being blown from the fridge. It's not cooling stuff off, its un-heating it by heating the air around the appliance. 

Now, I originally wanted to discuss humidity too but to be honest, relative humidity confuses me and that's what they refer to on the news or whatever. It has something to do with the comparison of how much water vapor is in the air and the amount necessary for it be saturated, which means the air couldn't hold any more water vapor. But I don't know how they figure out that magic second number. What I do know is that humidity + high temperature = garbage. That's because when the humidity gets high, we don't cool off as easily because it fucks with our system of cooling -- sweating. Sweating is a type of evaporative cooling, and it works on the principles I've already talked about in this post. When you sweat, some of the sweat is going to evaporate because individual molecules have enough heat, just like in the puddle. When those molecules evaporate, some of the heat in your body goes with it, cooling you off. But if the air is already full of moisture, this evaporation isn't going to work as well. The air already has its hands full dealing with the water already there, it's not able to deal with your nasty ass sweat, so your sweat stays on your body and you stay hot. 

So there you have it, the difference between heat and temperature, why humidity sucks, and the proper temperature to be able to say "its hot as balls" and not be scientifically inaccurate. To restate the really important one of those, 95*F/35*C are the magic numbers for balls. 

Ch 2.2: Periodic Table Time

When you look at the periodic table, You’ll always see at least two numbers for each element listed. The smaller number is known as the atomic number and as easily seen, it goes one, two, three, all the way to one hundred eighteen as you move across and then down the table. More on what the atomic number is in five sentences. The other number (the bigger one) is the atomic mass. It’s usually some number followed by some decimal points (something like 12.01 in the case of carbon) and what that number represents is the weighted average of the atomic masses of the isotopes of that element. Lots of science words but stay with me as we work backwards through that sentence. An element is the most fundamental type of atom. Each element has a distinct number of protons, and that number of neutrons is what the other number on the periodic table tells us. Going back to carbon (because its a dope element and super important, more on that shortly), it has an atomic number of six, which means EVERY SINGLE ATOM of carbon in the fucking UNIVERSE has six protons. Let me say that again but in a different way because its super fucking important -- if any atom in the entire known and unknown universe has six protons, it HAS to be carbon. I screwed these last two sentences up the first time I wrote this because I was doing it at eight in the morning on a Saturday and accidentally wrote twelve (which is carbon’s mass) but carbon can’t have twelve protons because if an atom had twelve protons, it would be magnesium. Back to the good ol’ peanut M&M analogy, every single peanut M&M has to have a peanut at its center because otherwise it wouldn’t be a peanut M&M.

Just like the candy, which can have a bigger or smaller nut (insert joke from two paragraphs ago), carbon can have a bigger or smaller nucleus. How does this happen? By changing the number of neutrons. When you compare two atoms and they have the same number of protons but a different number of neutrons, they are what’s known as isotopes. Carbon has a bunch of different isotopes but some of the more famous ones are carbon-12, carbon-11, and carbon-14. Writing their names like this, with the element’s name followed by a number, we can actually get a lot of information if we’re smart enough to understand what the hell is going on. The word carbon tells us six protons because carbon’s atomic number is six and atomic number = number of protons. The numbers eleven, twelve, and fourteen tell us the atomic mass of that isotope, which is something we actually discussed earlier when the idea of the atomic nucleus was introduced. If you already forgot what you read three paragraphs ago, the nucleus of an atom contains all the protons and neutrons, so the atomic mass is equal to the number of protons (in this case, six) plus the number of neutrons. Carbon-11 has six protons and five neutrons. Carbon-12 still has six protons but this version of carbon has six neutrons, giving a mass of twelve. Lastly for this example, carbon-14 has, you guessed it, six protons and eight neutrons.

Also for each element, you’d have to be super dumb to not notice that every element has an abbreviation. Some are (hopefully) super obvious like C for carbon, H for hydrogen, O for oxygen, etc, but others, like those for potassium and lead, are definitely not obvious. Potassium is K, from the latin word for alkali (kali) which came from an arabic word meaning “plant ashes” People back in the day would burn trees to create potash, which is a substance used both as fertilizer and in the making of cement, and that’s why we abbreviate potassium with a K. The abbreviation for lead, Pb, is from the Latin word plumbum which means, oddly enough, lead.

The last thing related to the periodic table I want to talk about is how the number of valence electrons change as you move sideways across the table. Each column is called a group and starting in group one, with hydrogen, you have one valence electron. Group two has two, then things get fucked up in the middle and that’s another something for Chemistry for Bastards to cover, then group three has three valence electrons etc all the way until you get to group eight. What makes this important is the fact that atoms with the same number of valence electrons will tend to react the same. What do I mean by react? Well…

USA = Un-Sucky Amniotes!

Happy Birthday United States!

(Ignore how terrible the country is being ran right now...its a rough patch. Think those awkward tween years when you're in middle school and think you know everything but you're actually a shithead no one likes to be around. That's us right now)

In honor of the United States of America's birthday, I present to you the alternative USA = Un-Sucky Amniotes!

What the fuck is an amniote you might ask? Short version: A mammal, a bird, or a reptile. Long science version: its any organism that develops within an amnion, which is an enclosed, fluid-filled sac. This is best experienced by humans when a pregnant woman's water breaks. That "water" is the amniotic fluid of the developing child. When I first developed my list, I didn't seek out to do a cute acronym or only include amniotes, it just worked out that way (mainly because I'm THAT awesome). These animals are native to the USA and make them USA's USAs. So let's get to it. The top four (in honor of the Fourth of July) Un-Sucky Amniotes in the United States of America.

Honorable mention: The Turkey (Meleagris gallopavo) 

Doesn't get a full write up but Benjamin Franklin loved them, they're delicious, they CAN fly, and sometimes they make babies with themselves. So that's cool.

Number 4: American Bison (Bison bison)

These badasses used to be EVERYWHERE but stupid white Europeans came over and almost hunted them to extinction. But being the badasses they are, they recovered and aren't even listed as endangered. Growing up to six feet (1.8 meters) tall and weighing up to a ton (900 kg), they're essentially a truck that can run you over if they wanted to. But they're chill. But could easily fuck you up if they wanted. They're like if Dwayne Johnson was an animal.

Also...they're delicious too.

Number 3: Gila Monster (Heloderma suspectum)

First off, that species name. *Chef's Kiss*
Second, they're venomous and that makes them awesome.
Third, how many animals have their own movies?
Fourth, they live in the desert so immediately, that makes them hard.

Number 2: Bald Eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus)

Now I know what you're thinking, "How the hell could the bald eagle, America's symbol and an animal capable of ripping you apart in a few different ways be number two???" Good question. Bald eagles are intense. Six foot (roughly 1.8 meters) wing span, giant nests, killer of lots of stuff, they're hardcore. But at one point, America threatened them and they almost went extinct (I'm sure I'll talk pesticides and DDT at some point). So that was a point off in my book and the reason they're number two.


NOW, here it is, the most Un-Sucky Amniote in the United States of America:

Number 1: Virginia Opossum (Didelphis virginiana)

Anyone who knows me should have known this was coming. See this blog post for lots of info but the opossum is how America should be. Ridding the world of disease, surviving injuries that will kill most other things, immune to attacks, chill as fuck. That's the USA I want to live in.

WTF is Medical Air?

I'm not going to lie, this post kind of sucks. No pun intended, because medical air blows.

So here's how this question came to be and eventually led to me writing a crappy post because its air.  I have a friend who has been kicking cancer's ass for a little while but in going full Uma Thurman from Kill Bill on her cancer cells, we've spent a lot of time in the hospital, either taking her to chemo or visiting her. On one such visit, I saw something that confused the hell out of me: Medical Air

I know what oxygen is, I know air, but WTF makes air medical?

Along the wall was an nozzle for something listed as medical air. What. The. Fuck. Medical air? I thought we were over this whole miasma thing and had been for awhile but apparently not. So it turns out, medical air is actually kind of super important. That being said, its description (and therefore this post) is very short.

Medical air is a combination of two gasses: nitrogen and oxygen. It is 79% nitrogen and 21% oxygen. That's it. That's medical air.

Thanks for reading and tune in next week...

Just kidding, I'm going into a little more detail but not much. That concentration of gasses, 79% nitrogen and 21% oxygen, its pretty much the same as regular atmospheric air but what makes medical air special is what's not there. There are no contaminants, no "other" gasses like carbon dioxide, methane, argon, whatever, and the amount of moisture in it is carefully regulated. This makes it ideal for people who are in a bad place or are immunocompromised (like people going through chemo...). If you've ever gone to an area of a hospital where things were under positive pressure, what was happening was medical air was being pumped into the room so it was at a slighter higher pressure than the surrounding area, ideally keeping "bad air" away and only supplying the "good air" to the patients.

Medical air is also used a lot in operating rooms, both as something that is given to patients as part of the mixing of gasses in anesthesia and used to power any pneumatic tools the surgeon may use as part of the operation. It's standardized ingredients and cleanliness make it extremely valuable in these cases.

So that's actually the end. Short post because its still air. Not much to say. But because it's such a short post be on the look out TOMORROW for a special BONUS post all about 'MERICA in honor of the Fourth of July!

Ch 2.1 Atoms: They Make Up Everything (I Went There)

I get it, you came here for biology and now I’m all “SURPRISE! Chemicals mother fuckers!” but at the heart of it all, biology is chemistry. We don’t have giant explosions but life is an endless series of chemical reactions that just so happen to make something alive. Its bonkers to think about because every single thing in the universe is made of the exact same three things: protons, neutrons, and electrons. No shit. Whatever you’re sitting on is nothing but protons, neutrons, and electrons. Same with your clothes (I’m assuming you’re wearing clothes because if you’re not, you’re seriously messed up. Put some clothes on you weirdo). Same with the air you’re breathing and same with you. The only difference between your underwear and you is how those three tiny ass little things are arranged around each other. Put them together one way and you have your tighty whities, rearrange them, add some more of one and a couple of another, combine them with their friends and you get the ass that is covered by those Fruit of the Looms.

Together, protons, (usually) neutrons, and electrons make up the basic unit of matter, the atom. At the center of the atom is the nucleus (this word will show up again later, but in a different sense) and this is where you find the protons and neutrons. Together, these two components give the atom pretty much all of its properties with an important exception we’ll get to in a short bit. If you ask a chemist, they’d say that protons and neutrons are a difference size but for biology, they’re close enough. Equal in size, equal in mass, pretty much equal in every aspect but charge. That’s because protons are positive and neutrons are, hopefully you guessed this, neutral. So protons give the nucleus a charge while the neutrons add to its size. Think of an M&M; at the center of the candy is whatever we use to define the type. If its a peanut at the center its a peanut M&M, if it has a pretzel core then it is a pretzel M&M. I like to use to peanut M&Ms as an example because not only are they the best M&M type, the PeaNut reminds me of Proton and Neutron. Protons determine the peanut, neutrons determine how big of a nut it has (there is a joke to be made here about big nuts...I’ll let you have that one).

All that being said, there’s always two other ingredients to an M&M that we haven’t discussed -- the chocolate and the candy shell. This is a biology book so we won’t get into crazy detail about electron orbital shapes and all that crap but I will discuss the importance of the cloud and valence electrons. If you already know what those two things are either you’re a chemist trying to brush up on biology or you have absolutely no reason to be reading this book. Either way, good for you I guess. Surrounding the peanut is a relatively thick ring of chocolate, and this is analogous to where our third atomic particle, the electron, is found. In the atom, this thickened area where you can find the electrons are known as the electron cloud because the electrons are somewhere within that area. We won’t get into why the word somewhere is emphasized in that last sentence in this book but hey, that’s what “High School Chemistry for Bastards” is for, right? Anyway with the candy, the chocolate and the nut are close to the same size but in reality, the area where electrons are found make up the vast majority of the atom and since the universe is made of atoms, most of the universe is empty space. Mind=Blown.

Last anatomy-of-an-atom (or should I say...an-ATOM-y...dad jokes for days this chapter) topic is what the hell the candy shell is for. Yes, the shell is candy. No, its not chocolate. Yes, I’m sure. Imagine lightly closing your hand around a bunch of M&Ms and waiting a minute or two before opening your hand and dumping them out. What do you expect to see on your hand? The reason your hand looks all rainbow is because the outer candy layer protected the chocolate within. Back to the atom analogy, the candy shell is the same as valence electrons, which is just a fancy science way of saying “the electrons on the outside.” The valence electrons are going to be big shit later, just sit tight...